Training | 2009.08.26
Esther Addley's diary
Which is worse – the traffic in Reading or captivity in Beirut? Terry Waite might not make the decision you\'d expect
Well, thank goodness for that. All those months of porn videos and rampant wisteria and gold-plated duck four-poster beds, and at last a small victory for democracy with reports that former Beirut hostage Terry Waite has joined Martin Bell\'s "insurgency" to restore the reputation of the House of Commons. Waite, of course, is a singular addition to the rebel alliance, thanks to standing 6ft 7in tall, having already seen off Islamic Jihad and looking a little like Chewbacca. But what do we really know of our new prospective parliamentarian? The burghers of Bury St Edmunds, where Waite is considering standing, deserve to be told. Happily, we find that Waite has an active interest in local affairs. Only last month, for instance, he wrote to the Chester Chronicle to press an urgent matter – a recent visit by train. "I was totally depressed by the state of the railway station. Large weeds were growing between the tracks and the station, potentially a beautiful building, looked absolutely dreadful." Hear, hear! However, Chester got off lightly compared with Reading. In September, Waite told a somewhat stunned meeting of the local WI that negotiating the town\'s traffic in order to find their meeting had been worse than five years in captivity in Lebanon. He\'ll fit right in.
Regular frequenters of this humble little plot will have spotted that Diary emperor Hugh Muir is, in the parlance of lowly columnar stand-ins, "away". This permits us to institute a new feature, Diary Book of the Week, for which we are delighted to nominate, as inaugural read, True Blue: Strange Tales from a Tory Nation , by journalists Chris Horrie and David Matthews and published this week. Are you sitting comfortably? Lovely. Today\'s episode concerns the former deputy London mayor, Ray Lewis, at a party for Hammersmith Conservatives a few days after Boris Johnson\'s victory last May (and some weeks before Lewis resigned amid allegations of financial misconduct). Matthews and Horrie, present but undercover, describe the new deputy mayor addressing the gathering of well-heeled west Londoners of a certain age, a turn that, as the authors tell it, had \'em rolling in the aisles. Lewis insisted he had a good idea of what the new job would involve, "which is more than you can say about Boris!", before doing an impression of his new boss: "Crikey, Ray! What are we going to do? Gosh! Crumbs! Have you got any ideas? Golly!" Cue raucous hilarity, topped only when Lewis joked about a conversation about the local Conservative candidate, Shaun Bailey, who was also present and, like Lewis, is black. "I\'ve just been speaking to a lady and she asked: \'Which one is Shaun and which one is Ray – it\'s hard to tell you apart.\'"
It may be August, but that doesn\'t mean we\'re not paying attention. So here\'s a big cheery wave to all our friends at the Department for Communities and Local Government, which last week issued the following press release about affordable housing in rural areas. "Generally, shared owners can staircase up to full ownership," read the release. Well, of course they can. Just as motorists can cupholder it down to the supermarket, mothers can dirty-nappy their way to the park, and young people can six-pack it large on a Saturday night. Well done, everyone.
Finally, an impeccably sourced snippet from below stairs at Clarence House, where the royal toothpaste-squirters and pee-collectors huddle over their gruel. The Prince of Wales, as this newspaper further exposed yesterday, has long been an admirer of the London skyline, hence his long-held belief in his divine right to decide what it looks like. But who knew that his concern extended to Trafalgar Square? Our spy reports a recent overheard conversation, in which Charles observed how jolly it would be if he, too, were to join the throng of artists, poseurs and crazed self-publicists currently participating in Antony Gormley\'s One & Other installation atop the fourth plinth. "I could be the plinth of Wales!" he giggled. And truly it is a relief to know there\'s a career in standup should the whole monarchy lark go south.
For more information, please visit
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/18/terry-waite-commons-ray-lewis
