Industry | 2009.06.14
Masochism at 36,000ft | Peter Preston
Ryanair\'s boss may eff, blind and charge us to use the loo, but we keep coming back for more
Sometimes, open-mouthed, you see a supreme spin doctor at work and gasp at his brilliance. Sometimes the art of politics, artfully pursued, takes your breath away. And no, this isn\'t anything to do with you-know-who struggling to hang on to you-know-where. Hail, rather, to the wizard of Ryanair.
Michael O\'Leary had a tricky job the other day as his airline\'s results emerged. There was a whopping, unprecedented loss, €169m, instead of last year\'s €438.9m profit. There was a write-off confessing that Ryanair\'s stake in Aer Lingus was worth €222.5m less than orginally paid. There was a bit of a botch over fuel pricing, which saw O\'Leary caught with his pants down as bills oscillated. But apologise, explain, take a backward step? Stroll on ...
Commentators, of course, instinctively looked for the turns of phrase that have made him the Gordon Ramsay of obscure landing pads. "You are not getting a refund, so fuck off", say. Or "The best thing you can do with environmentalists is shoot them". But the majestic strategy this time seemed more cutely pre-planned and executed. It began at the end of February as O\'Leary hinted that you\'d soon have to pay for sitting on a toilet seat (as opposed to buying one on John Prescott\'s expenses). Instant uproar, bountiful blogs. Was the globe\'s least-loved Irishman winding us up for April 1?
Well, maybe there was a hint of glint in there somewhere. Maybe he was playing games, not jerking our chains. Yet see how that February spadework returns in adversity. He can still do as much bog-standard bragging as he wants.Ryanair is "Europe\'s most valuable airline", for instance. "We could almost buy Lufthansa for cash: that would have them choking on their cornflakes in Frankfurt". BA "is just a pension fund with wings".But if you\'re going to turn aside headline wrath in a sea of red ink, you need something to set the Sun subeditors hopping – something like "Down the lav" over a "quid to spend a penny" stories again.
So here comes the old leg-break with a fresh twist. Take away two plane loos from three and what remains is physical ordeal as well as financial penalty. Cross your legs hard when there\'s fog at Gatwick. O\'Leary gets six more seats to sell. Passengers get more waiting time. Meanwhile, loss figures notwithstanding, passenger numbers go up 15%. Queen Sofia of Spain, on a quick London family visit, slips on to one of O\'Leary\'s jets and cowers among the returning honeymooners, school rugby parties and babies in need of a bottle. Pain equals escalating gain.
There is, in short, a curious relationship here. The more O\'Leary effs and blinds and introduces teeth-grindingly improbable charges – say, having to pay £5 merely to check in for a flight or a £40 demand if you turn up a the airport without a pre-printed boarding pass – the more the travelling public seems to flock to his banner. It enjoys the humiliation of watching customers weep when their printers break down. It may even be attracted afresh by the prospect of passing wriggling hours awaiting a pee. Ryanair isn\'t always as cheap as it claims, but the nastiness makes it feel cheap (and not at all cheerful).
Which is where the master of Masochismair has wider lessons to share. Passengers are basic victims. Hector, insult and demean them, and they\'ll fawn on you tamely for months on end. And if the weak and weary lash back? Gordon the unmentionable faces that second condition now, grotesquely recruiting Sir Alan Sugar to watch his back. Alas, you\'re shafted …
PM O\'Leary would do it very differently. Lock Hazel Blears and Caroline Flint in the last lavatory left and throw away the key. Give the whips real whips, and knuckledusters, too. Dump James Purnell at 36,000 feet. And come up with something truly outrageous to distract the Bun. How about mandatory voting at the next election, with a £10 handling fee (or two votes at a bargain £15 as long as you don\'t vote BNP)?
On closer consideration, though, that\'s not such a dotty notion. Get your retribution in first. Snarl, darn you, snarl. Never apologise, only turn the screw tighter. If you\'re Unholy O\'Leary, and you play loathsome best, then play it with outrageous, unflinching conviction. And look! Even if the depths of recession, the punters are trooping in. Amid eff off, it seems, there is also lift-off.
For more information, please visit
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/[...]/ryanair-michael-oleary-travel
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